September 15th, 2013
|05:35 pm - Returning...|
I'm here again because I want to return to blogging. I've really missed that part of me and I'm done missing it. I WILL make the time to blog whether I have it or not. I was just reading some of my old posts and well, I guess I haven't really changed all that much in the last year or so. Only, I've gotten less awesome and more stuck in my head. I've noticed more and more lately that its been hard for me to get out of my head and talk to be people. I keep finding myself in situations where I don't know how to respond and I just kinda stand there awkwardly or say something awkward or pointless. Mehh.
Sometimes I think about how motivated I use to be. How I read good books and worked out my spiritual and metal muscles. Then I think, "what happened" and my first respond is "college happened". I like to blame college for sucking the awesomeness out of me. For devouring all the free time so that I don't have time to do the things I love the most like blog and play the violin and have meaningful conversations with friends over skype. Those things were therapeutic for me. How am I suppose to help other people with their problems when I still haven't resolved issues in my own life.
Warning: my thoughts are all over the place today.
The faith and Life class I am taking this semester is really making me rethink some of my beliefs I really thought I was sure on. My professor asks us questions like Does evil exist? Why were we created? What is our mission as believers? If we were created to evangelize and save other people then God must have planned for the Fall to happen...but if we are created to just worship and glorify God then doesn't that make God seem a bit narcissistic? I'm hoping he gives us the answer to why God created us cuz these does really do it for me.
The thought of going back to therapy is kind of appealing to me again. There are some (or a lot) of issues that were never really resolved with my family and may even be getting worse. I need to talk to someone about them, I don't really know what to do or how to feel and whenever one of these issues comes up it puts me in a funk and i takes me a while to feel normal-ish again.
September 28th, 2012
the loneliness has returned. and i hate it.
March 16th, 2012
I want to write a memoir. Wanted to since middle school. Reading The Glass Castle (HIGHLY recommend) re-inspired me.
It will probably be the only thing I'll ever write. I'm fine with that. I just really wanted to write a memoir.
February 18th, 2012
What do those words make you think of?
I can't tell you how many I have heard someone say (almost always a Christian), "God has big plans for you" and then proceed to quote Roman 8:28. While this is true, it is over-used and unexciting to hear. What does "God has big plans for you" even look like or mean, anyway? Also, by saying this, you place a future tense on those "big plans". It like saying "I know your life right now is boring but eventually, when you reach those 'big plans' God has for you it will be exciting and great." This almost gives the impression that God is dangling his "big plans for you" in front of your life like a carrot in front of a hungry horse...waiting until your "ready" for the exciting life He's been planning for you. Why are those big plans always futuristic? Why don't we ever say, "wow, I can see evidence of God's plans for you in your life right now" or "you are living a big plan right now and that's awesome".
What if the lives we are living right now are part of that "big plan" God has for us. What if we're right in the middle of something big and something planned. I like to think so. I like to think that we aren't just waiting for something big to hit us, but that right now we're living in the middle of something huge.
Right now, I'm in the mist of living college, living a spa job, living (through) wedding planning, living friendships, living out my faith, living with a roommate, living without much money, living missing some very dear people, living blessed, living inspired by music, living with significant changes, living with the future in mind, living a better life, living emphatically, living intentionally, living a story with desires and goals. Living the life God planned for me... that's big. It may not look very large, but that's because His plans for me (and everyone else) are part of a really, really, really big and fantastic plan for mankind...the BIGGEST plan of all.
February 6th, 2012
Sometimes I feel like the lives we live and our relationships are fraught with settling for less than what we truly desire. We could have a better life but we settle for the here and now. It is one of our most costly but redeemable weaknesses.
January 16th, 2012
Things I probably should have talked about in therapy...but didn't.
I need to write.
Today I was sitting in the back row of my Social Psychology class and my teacher was telling some story about when she had to give her dissertation to receive her PhD. I just thought to myself, "I will never be able to get a PhD. I don't have the brains or energy to do that. I won't ever succeed."
And that's what I honestly believe. I won't ever succeed so why bother trying. I've never shared this with anyone. I don't believe I can be better than average. I try just enough to be average and not anything better. There are very few things I've put 100% into and actually thought I had a chance of making something of it.
I know this isn't exactly a healthy way to think. If someone else said that's how they felt I would probably shake them until they thought differently. Or maybe I'd just take them out for coffee.
Maybe its just a case to post-flu blues. Last night I looked in the mirror and saw someone with big, empty eyes and a tired face. I didn't like what I saw; it scared me. I want me back. I've been trying to reconnect with God since the start of the year. Thanks to the encouragement of my favourite, I have been in the Word more regularly. and praying more consistently. I know I am most myself when I am closest to God.
That's when I'm content, ambitious and inspired. That's when I'm most resilient against negativity. When genuinely being interested in people and thinking of others comes most naturally.
I've been stuck in this dead, self-centered, easily-annoyed, prideful, unmotivated place, constantly feeling guilty for not genuinely caring about people and hoping I could just sleep it all away.
Writing all that was exactly what I need. Honestly feeling better about life.
Current Mood: okay
January 1st, 2012
Sometimes, PostSecrets make me cry.
I've been reading them for years but have never sent one of my own. Someday I'd like to change that. While I'm not a big one for keeping secrets from absolutely everyone (I believe everyone should have one person to share all their secrets with), I very much like the idea of the PostSecret.
Current Music: Hanna's Playlist
December 7th, 2011
You know what, I miss the days when I had the luxury of blogging, creeping on my Hanna girl, checking livejournal for updates from my favourite, and updating my online playlist. I miss stalking random people on tumblr and stealing their pretty photos. I miss reading theological books and being interesting. Life wasn't great then, but I was content and inspired.
I don't miss the days when I sit on my red couch alone in my dorm room eating spicy (I don't like spicy) $2 soup because that's all I have to eat and money is short. I don't miss the days when I fail to be content with the little blessing in my life and I feel like an neglectful, selfish friend. I don't miss when I'm bombarded with large decisions-- do I transfer schools? Study abroad a semester? What about Josh? What about us? Is going on the Bahamas mission trip a mistake? Do I start looking for another job because I feel discouraged with mine? Where do I come up with the money I owe people? When will I get answers from God? Why can't I be content with where I am, what I am?-- No, I don't miss those days.
September 20th, 2011
There are some days I think I could just walk away, leave everything behind...
Go somewhere where no one knows my name.
Current Mood: moody
Current Music: Wye Oak
September 17th, 2011