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cognitive dissonance, missing thoughts, narratives, and trying - hopeful4autumn

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November 11th, 2013

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08:47 pm - cognitive dissonance, missing thoughts, narratives, and trying
Another smorgasbord of thoughts...and i've forgotten most of them already in the few minute detour through facebook I took to get here.

1. Being at Judson and living life is giving me cognitive dissonance. This may be the first semester I can truly say that i'm actually taking what I'm learning in lecture and applying it to my life. My faith and life class has teamed up with my environmental science class to force me to rethink the way i live my life. They have made it so that I can't handle the way I live my life anymore. How can I keep buying clothes made in sweatshops, eating meat that takes a huge amount of resources to produce, buying produce that was grow hundreds of miles away (and also takes more resources to get to me), have excess resources (clothes, electronics, books, food, shoes, ect) at the cost of other people having nothing or almost nothing because they are being exploited and oppressed for my benefit (and the benefit of American and developed countries in general). How can I promote having an affluent economy when that means we exploit natural resources and people so we can have everything and more than we need.

I can't. But changing the way I live would mean paying more for almost everything. I would have to adopt a life of having less so others can have more. Or as mother Theresa said "live simply so others can simply live".  I want to remind myself that I am trying to do this, and it will take more time than I want it to. I am also trying to help others see that consumerism is a disease for us westerns and we are literally consuming everything that will sustain us--eventually we will no longer be able to sustain our excessive lifestyle nor ourselves.

2. Friends. I have them and I don't. This area has been saddening for me as I intentionally do not spend time with some former friends anymore because of the unhealthiness of them and our friendships. I struggle with trying to save those friendships and love them enough to share with them my concern, also knowing that it probably won't be received well and knowing that i am an expendable member of the group.

But i still crave that sense of community and having a group of friends to rely on, to lean on, to share life with. I have friends in many corners of my life but I fear if they all came together they would clash, and I fear they already have enough friends that they aren't looking for another poise of comrades. But i am.

I want to be a quality friend as much as I want to have quality friends...but there are people in my life who want to spend time with me but I struggle to let them in very much. Its like this; there are people who I want to be my friends and people who want to be my friend and at this time in my life, there are very few people in my life who are both.

After, Sunday sermon on coveting, i realized i don't usually covet other people possessions, but I covert their happiness and their friendships and community. Instead of building the relationships I do have (which takes word and effort and being fulled with love- God's love), i become bitter, unhappy, and a kind of depressed. This is selfish and a waste of time and hurts my existing friendships because I shun people as I bask in my own pitty party.

3. I have started to partner with a massage therapist to build an Esthetic business with her. She is really into meditation and told me how sometimes she has a dream while she is meditating and a man has appeared in the dream and talked to her. She isn't sure is he is something her mind has created or if he is outside of her mind--a figure someone else has created and put in her mind. I think it is a bit unsettling...it  could be an avenue God is using to help her understand him and her need for him, but it could also be the Enemy trying to distract her with lie to keep her curiosity away from God and the gospel. I don't know ,

Lately, i've had so many thoughts fighting for attention in my mind that I have a hard time thinking clear things or forming cohesive thoughts and retaining productive thoughts.

My compassion child dedicated Romans 8:27 to me in his last letter...I read(ish) the whole chapter so that I could understand the verse better in context. Man, i need to read it again, and again,

Also, I have remembered to think about future Amber more and do thing now that will make more space in future Amber's life for Jesus. This helps me be present and work on right now, but also think about the consequences of my current actions on future Amber. Blogging is something past Amber did and like and it is helping current Amber sort out her thoughts. This is good, this is very good. 

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