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May 21st, 2014

09:49 pm - failing
What am I failing at? Being a good friend. I really feel like a failed as a friend with Josh. I strongly want to drink right now. Instead, I'm going to sit with this hurt and this sadness and hopefully let it make me a better person. and not a bitter one.

I hope we are and will still be friends.

Evaluating my life. And wanting to check out all together. Been here lots of times. 

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April 29th, 2014

09:33 am - Birthday....
Maybe one day I will know what to do with your love and the gifts you give me. Today, i would trade them all for a simple apology. I want to throw them way and save them forever. Mostly, I want to cry because it just hurts. I want to hug you and tell you I love you and you have the biggest heart, but that is only true today. Tomorrow I will say that I'm sorry for you and I hope one day you will change your mind and you have the most confused and terrible heart. I wish you didn't give me anything. I wish you would ignore me like I ignore you.  

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January 31st, 2014

08:56 pm - redheads and Friday nights alone
Interesting thoughts of the week...

-90% of redheads are a little off OR crazy (not proven, just speculation)
-disappointed in Beyonce for what looks like her endorsement of abusive relationships. See lyrics of "Drunk In Love". Question: Do pop artist actually believe what they sing? Or do they disassociate between their artist image and their everyday (real?) persona. Are they the obvious manifestations of a culture that says one thing and does another? Is it easier to be the same person all the time when you are less famous or not famous at all? Because there is not pressure to sell yourself and your work? Selena Gomez works with UNICEF but is in a movie like Spring Breaks? Disconnect or variety of interests?

-Another Friday night alone...being creative. being productive. being lonely.

I'm GOING TO LA IN A MONTH!!! Bring on the sunshine and waves!   

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January 28th, 2014

10:54 pm
John Newman playin out my speakers. Reminding me of James Morrison. And how much I love his voice, and his soul.

Day is my fourth day away from school. But not from the work. Never from the work. I have spent most of my weekend and "freezign days" (instead of snow days, I guess) on my red couch. flattening the cushions while I stair, and click, and scroll, and tape the oreo keys of my sick (it constantly dies because it struggles with charging) computer.

Josh spent the morning with me. Cuddling in under the covers and them gaming planning over oatmeal and honey. then he left and back to the oreo keys i went. I spent several hours with Jessica today too. Originally, we planned to shop for our "secret" valentines, and we did that with great success. Then i remember all the little errands that needed my attention and dragged a hungry Jessica through  Home Goods and Rue 21, buying sale items that I could live without.

Sometimes I am convicted that I am not a present, gracious friend. tonight was one of them. sometimes i harbor judgement in my heart and its consumes my mind. and i wonder if others notice.

late last night night my roommate invited me to LA for Spring break. I was truly overwhelmed at the possibility. If I go, it means I won't get to spent that time with my sisters in CO like I was planning and that makes me a bit sad. But the idea of seeing LA is thrilling to me.

I need to writing up the mission of Complementary Colours. Which I will do now.

Thanks for listening. 

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January 25th, 2014

02:58 pm
my fear is that i will be one of those really smart people who can't communicate their knowledge to others...and it will be obvious to others.


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January 21st, 2014

05:00 pm - A blog about something...
Reconnecting with old friends vs. making new friends?
Do you have to get angry to get anything (esp. with companies)? Is the flaw with the company or that we think we deserve a reimbursement/discount (or whatever)? Do we deserve more than an apology?
Does the world really need more writing? Hasn't everything been said already...should we spend more time reading and less time writing?
If a massive amount of people in the U.S. decided to become vegetarians what would that do to the meat industry and all the people around the world that it employs? Would that mean the loss a significant amount of jobs? Every though our demand for meat is unsustainable and cruel to animals it is providing countless jobs.
Would other countries people suffer if Americans decided to eat more rice, couscous, quinoa and other stables in poor countries? Would eating less meat create an unsustainable demand for fresh vegetables and fruits and continue to drain water supplies because of the irrigation that must happen all year around to meet the demand?

-reconnect with one old friend
-make a new mixed drink (alcoholic)
-create a name, motto, color set, mission and business card for my makeup services
-Create FB page for makeup services
-waxing services on groupon?
-finish wedding album? bloopers...print photos of just me + engagement
-connect with Nicole and make a list of other places I could promot and promot at.
-stick with my vegetarian diet- eat less sugar
-help Josh with applications + photo editing
-ask Vaughen and Shannon for letters of recommendation?
-ask Lisa is there I there are ways she feels I can better support the business
-Promote valentines day ad for Posi+tive Body Care
-blog 2x a week

-The short = it is better for everything and everyone involved.
-The long=
In the process of taking an environmental science course last semester, my ego-friendly, conservation passionate professor explained that a vegetarian who drives an SUV is more eco-friendly than a meat-eater who drives a PREIS! WOW. So, reason #1 I am a vegetarian because I love the earth because God gave it to humans for steward and fill with life and culture and not totally strip it of its natural resources. It takes so many more resources to grow an chicken, pig, or cow than it does to grow the plants they eat. An unsustainable amount of resources. Reason #2, I do not think that they way the animals in large butcheries are treated is humane or the way they were every suppose to be raised. And I do not want to contribute to the demanded that insists they are treated so cruelly. Reason #3, I do not want the hormones and chemicals that are injected into animals so they grow twice as large as they are created to be in my body. Reason #3, I have been feeling quite tired lately and while I know that tiredness can result from any number of things, I also know that since our bodies had a hard time digesting meat, it can make our bodies feel less than 100%.

So there you have it, its for the earth, the animals, and my own body that I am no longer eating meat.

My head is 10x more clear now :)

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November 23rd, 2013

09:00 pm
Brother Josh got engaged last night. Not sure why I have such a sinking feeling about it. I knew it was happening. I guess as long as it was just happening and not actually reality made it easier to take. I'm a bit possessive of him. and I don't know Heather very well. Makes me think she might not be the best for him even if she might be the very best for him. Its a weird places to be. i want to support him 100% and be the happiest for him but I just have this uncertain feeling about her.

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November 11th, 2013

08:47 pm - cognitive dissonance, missing thoughts, narratives, and trying
Another smorgasbord of thoughts...and i've forgotten most of them already in the few minute detour through facebook I took to get here.

1. Being at Judson and living life is giving me cognitive dissonance. This may be the first semester I can truly say that i'm actually taking what I'm learning in lecture and applying it to my life. My faith and life class has teamed up with my environmental science class to force me to rethink the way i live my life. They have made it so that I can't handle the way I live my life anymore. How can I keep buying clothes made in sweatshops, eating meat that takes a huge amount of resources to produce, buying produce that was grow hundreds of miles away (and also takes more resources to get to me), have excess resources (clothes, electronics, books, food, shoes, ect) at the cost of other people having nothing or almost nothing because they are being exploited and oppressed for my benefit (and the benefit of American and developed countries in general). How can I promote having an affluent economy when that means we exploit natural resources and people so we can have everything and more than we need.

I can't. But changing the way I live would mean paying more for almost everything. I would have to adopt a life of having less so others can have more. Or as mother Theresa said "live simply so others can simply live".  I want to remind myself that I am trying to do this, and it will take more time than I want it to. I am also trying to help others see that consumerism is a disease for us westerns and we are literally consuming everything that will sustain us--eventually we will no longer be able to sustain our excessive lifestyle nor ourselves.

2. Friends. I have them and I don't. This area has been saddening for me as I intentionally do not spend time with some former friends anymore because of the unhealthiness of them and our friendships. I struggle with trying to save those friendships and love them enough to share with them my concern, also knowing that it probably won't be received well and knowing that i am an expendable member of the group.

But i still crave that sense of community and having a group of friends to rely on, to lean on, to share life with. I have friends in many corners of my life but I fear if they all came together they would clash, and I fear they already have enough friends that they aren't looking for another poise of comrades. But i am.

I want to be a quality friend as much as I want to have quality friends...but there are people in my life who want to spend time with me but I struggle to let them in very much. Its like this; there are people who I want to be my friends and people who want to be my friend and at this time in my life, there are very few people in my life who are both.

After, Sunday sermon on coveting, i realized i don't usually covet other people possessions, but I covert their happiness and their friendships and community. Instead of building the relationships I do have (which takes word and effort and being fulled with love- God's love), i become bitter, unhappy, and a kind of depressed. This is selfish and a waste of time and hurts my existing friendships because I shun people as I bask in my own pitty party.

3. I have started to partner with a massage therapist to build an Esthetic business with her. She is really into meditation and told me how sometimes she has a dream while she is meditating and a man has appeared in the dream and talked to her. She isn't sure is he is something her mind has created or if he is outside of her mind--a figure someone else has created and put in her mind. I think it is a bit unsettling...it  could be an avenue God is using to help her understand him and her need for him, but it could also be the Enemy trying to distract her with lie to keep her curiosity away from God and the gospel. I don't know ,

Lately, i've had so many thoughts fighting for attention in my mind that I have a hard time thinking clear things or forming cohesive thoughts and retaining productive thoughts.

My compassion child dedicated Romans 8:27 to me in his last letter...I read(ish) the whole chapter so that I could understand the verse better in context. Man, i need to read it again, and again,

Also, I have remembered to think about future Amber more and do thing now that will make more space in future Amber's life for Jesus. This helps me be present and work on right now, but also think about the consequences of my current actions on future Amber. Blogging is something past Amber did and like and it is helping current Amber sort out her thoughts. This is good, this is very good. 

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September 23rd, 2013

03:36 pm - on being a whole person
right now i really feel like half a person. i have the energy of half a person and somethings the mental concentration of half a person and the motivation of half a person. my friend and brother Josh said that he also doesn't feel like a whole person sometimes but he takes the time to remind himself that he is indeed a whole person even though his circumstances like to tell him otherwise. i want to add to what he said-- i am still a whole person with a whole God even though my feelings and circumstances may be telling me differently. 

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September 22nd, 2013

11:58 pm - post wedding blues
My Garfunkel got married to her best friend yesterday. It was a beautiful and surreal and everything she envisioned it would be i hope.and now im sad. all the excitement is over and she is far away from me now. i really needed a few more days of basking in her aweseomness. i want to plan another visit already but the realistic part of me says thats not really possible right now. Boo.  

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